If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
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Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Me irl
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
My diet starts in January
of 2027
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*