I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
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The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Every BBC series about the universe.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Cannot stop laughing at this
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.