“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
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that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.