Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
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daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]