Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
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I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.