The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
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I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
PER MY LAST EMAIL
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
@ candidates for local office
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Bro what is this
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”