lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
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i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Livid.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares