I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
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If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
23. the denim jacket
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.