i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
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If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.