My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
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Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
An odd boast
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?