That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
You Might Also Like
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.