I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
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Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way