So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
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I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone