if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
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“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Dietest Coke
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.