If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
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🚲+physics = winner
the council will decide your fate
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.