God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
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I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.