Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
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[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!