a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
You Might Also Like
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.