sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
(Musicians.)
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe