[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
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weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
No, I don’t think I will.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti