Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
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Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
honestly, i need both:
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I like long walks away from everyone
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good