Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
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so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.