If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
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My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
titanic
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Me trying to walk in a dream
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.