Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.