me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
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Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
gm
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud