People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
You Might Also Like
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”