My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
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A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Danger is very dangerous
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth