My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
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[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn