Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
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Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.