my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
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It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *