Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
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[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
another case of gang violins
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.