I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
what’s really going on
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.