“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
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Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I’m literally crying
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior