the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
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*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.