Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
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4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
My work here is don’t.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.