I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
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Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
i like to flex on them by shrugging
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep