[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
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I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
And bowling should be called pinball
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad