ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
You Might Also Like
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
This is painfully accurate 😅
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*