WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
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People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Saturday
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
somebody come look at this
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-