Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
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7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.