I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
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My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!