me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
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I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.