The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
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COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it