Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
You Might Also Like
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died