The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
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Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*