Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
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One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music