BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
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Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Plant care tips
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex