Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
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SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My dad.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.