My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
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I’m being attacked 😭
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs