Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
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If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
No laws when master is gone
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*